The Aeolipile: The Epitome of All Stuff

Created around 50 CE, this device was a hollow ball that spewed steam and, hence, rotated. The Aeolipile has two things going for it.

I. History.
At the time, it was seen as "little more than a diversion." Like those clacking metal ball toys that bosses have on their desks.

It turns out it was not just a precursor to the thing I stare at while getting fired. Now, science regards the Aeolipile as the first steam engine. That's pretty good for a thing that did nothing.

A slightly adapted version of the aeolipile was used to open the doors of a temple. 1st century Alexandria was not the only time an automatic door has had grave implications for the human soul. Think of Bart Simpson, newly soulless, suddenly unable to trigger the automatic door of the Kwik-E-Mart.

II. The delicious name.
Aioli, also known as "rich man's mayo," is finally getting its due everywhere, from bistros to patisseries.
The Aeolipile takes its place among various bean melts, lard piles, cheese hills, lipid mountains, pie precipices, butter mesas, and bacon ranges.

If I could have a true aioli pile, I would have two things: gout, and happiness.

III. Conclusion.
The aeolipile combines two things William Cals love: astounding inventions from the ancient world, and melty lard heaps.

Author's note: The next recorded steam engine was created in 1551, by Taqi al-Din, and was used for... you guessed it! Roasting meat on a spit!

Until the Industrial Revolution, steam engines had existed for nearly two millennia, and their only uses were, in chronological order: nothing, and grilling out.

Image source: Hero's Pneumatica, c. 1st century AD.